Gen Z, where etiquette, social graces and networking skills are dying on the vine

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Back when Jacqueline Szeto-Meiers was a teen moving back to Canada from Hong Kong, where she’d lived nearly all her life, she and her mother had an important chat. It turned out to be life-changing.

A widow and single mom, Szeto-Meiers’s mother had saved up and sent her three children to private school. Now it was time for the two to discuss why she was willing to sacrifice so much to enroll her daughter in Branksome Hall, the tony girls’ day and boarding school in Toronto.

“Before I left, she said, ‘Hey, what do you have to do for me?’” says Szeto-Meiers, director of investment programs at Canso Investment Counsel Ltd., based in Richmond Hill, Ont. But when young Szeto-Meiers promised to study hard and earn good grades, her mother shook her head. That wasn’t the answer. She explained, “’At a private school you’ll build networks and relationships. You’ll learn etiquette.’”

Szeto-Meiers’s mother advised her to open herself to friendships and get out of her comfort zone. “’Be very open, inclusive and kind to people because it will go a long way,’” she finished.

The advice paid off.

Fast forward to today and Szeto-Meiers, a 32-year veteran of capital markets in North America and Asia, is a networking and social skills pro. She has spoken about the topic at industry luncheons and events. And now, with her own daughter away at university in Montreal this fall, she’s had time to think not only about that full-circle moment, but how her mother’s guidance is still relevant today.

Especially today. And especially for children and young adults from wealthy families who are likely to find themselves in important social situations, or even in the media limelight, where family manners are noted and judged.

Tina Di Vito, partner and Canadian family enterprise leader for EY Private, agrees.

“With the ultra-high-net-worth families, it becomes even more important because what’s at stake is the reputation of the family,” she says. And that goes double if the family’s name is recognizable. “It is that extra added burden of having the reputation of the family and family business to maintain and manage,” Di Vito says.

EY, in fact, offers global programs for the next generation that address varied career levels from starting out to leadership. While table manners and charm school might not be on the menu, networking and business skills are.

Unfortunately, many young people aren’t getting the message when it comes to polishing their politesse. Or at least they can’t see or hear it with eyes and ears glued to their phones, TikTok and Instagram feeds.

“Younger people are more comfortable texting than communicating face to face,” Szeto-Meiers explains. The pandemic didn’t make things any easier with so much of their socializing and schooling going online. Flesh-and-blood classmates and friends were reduced to names and avatars on a screen.

“Because of the lack of face-to-face practice, they actually do not have the skill set to pick up on social cues, body language and knowing how to read the room. They don’t know how to move on to the next topic. They don’t know when to shut up,” she says. “And it’s not their fault, because there was a big gap.”

Even the younger generation themselves know social media can put them at a disadvantage, according to one report. In finding ways to minimize stress and anxiety, one in three Gen Zs (those born in the mid-90s to the mid-2010s) say they’ve taken breaks from social media and its demands for perfection and racking up “likes.”

Because of the lack of face-to-face practice, they actually do not have the skill set to pick up on social cues, body language and knowing how to read the room.

Jacqueline Szeto-Meiers

Meanwhile, successful networking and relationship-building in the real world relies on being interested in others, taking time to slow down and connect. It also doesn’t hurt to know how to introduce yourself (warm handshake, eye contact and smile) or how to offer thanks with a handwritten letter later (memorable and impressive).

For Di Vito, parents play a big part in how social skills are passed down to their children. While some clients will say their kids are too young to learn, she disagrees. Di Vito remembers taking her then-three-year-old daughter to the office. She prepared her in advance, dressing her up, walking her through what to expect in advance, giving her the boss’s name, and showing her how to shake hands. Her pre-schooler watched her mother’s every move that day.

“I think that too often we’re focusing on what the next gen is not doing appropriately or correctly, whereas we really need to focus on how they’re emulating our behaviour,” she says, explaining her kids later went on to wow teachers and sports coaches by shaking their hands when introduced. “But it was just a behaviour. They saw what I was doing and they would demonstrate it.”

Giving young children and teens opportunities to learn social skills and etiquette goes a long way. Are they coming to the office and just sitting on their phone while you work, or are they asking questions and being introduced to colleagues?

Or take table manners. Even if the family doesn’t often share meals together in high-end restaurants, serving a “fancy dinner” at home with multiple courses and corresponding cutlery is a good first step.

Simply knowing these unwritten rules can help alleviate a lot of social anxiety later when the adult children attend luncheons or galas and already know which fork to eat the salad with, says Pat Stonehouse, president and founder of Advancing With Style, a Toronto-based company that helps people learn professional skills often lacking in the workplace.

And it’s not only the younger generation that feels the stress when unsure about manners and etiquette.

Stonehouse remembers the time a president of an international company asked that she be moved from the seat beside him at a lunch lest he make a grave gravy error under her watchful gaze. And yes, she was punted to the other end of the table.

“I don’t tell people what I do right away because people are so intimidated,” she says. “However, etiquette isn’t being stuffy. It’s being polite, courteous and just following social values.”

But learned skills can go a long way, too. Take what Stonehouse calls “the eyebrow flash.” As you smile, lift your eyebrows up slightly as a way of saying “Oh, I recognize you.” (For the record, Hillary Clinton is a master eyebrow flasher.) And don’t forget to say your name twice and slowly, especially if your name is less common, when introducing yourself.

Walking into a room and know no one? Look for someone else standing alone, or search out groups of two and three who are “open.” That is, they’re facing out to the room rather than each other.

Then, says Stonehouse, you need only one line: “Hello. Mind if I join you?”

Then what? Think of what you have in common with that person. You’re obviously both at the same event, so find out why and ask, “What brings you here this evening?” or “What did you think of the speaker?” In fact, asking questions puts everyone at ease.

“To be interesting, you have to be interested in other people,” Stonehouse explains. “I think back on some impressive people I’ve met over the years and they ask questions.”

Her favourite?

“’What do you think?’” she says. “People love it because you’re asking for their opinion, and doesn’t everybody like to give an opinion?”

For Szeto-Meiers, dropping off her daughter at university in August wasn’t what she expected. There were no tears. Her daughter had already connected with other students online before arriving on campus and was excited to meet them in person. Social media and chat groups do have their uses.

Even so, Szeto-Meiers is glad she taught Rachel social skills for face-to-face encounters. She’s sure they’ll pay off.

“I always believe in having your own brand, and to be a good person and true to yourself,” she says. “I hope she will be a sort of role model in terms of how to conduct yourself in public.”

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