A strong grandparent-grandchild bond can be a double-edged sword

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In any family, grandchildren and great-grandchildren can form a special bond with their grandparents. But that relationship can also give rise to generational conflicts.

For many families, grandparents are sources of moral guidance and reminders of childhood comforts, and often grandchildren will bypass their parents for advice, as parents might be more disciplinary or less forgiving in the day-to-day decision-making around their children’s lives.

Within successful family enterprises, however, the stakes can be much higher, and third, fourth or successive generations might be making decisions that carry weight not only for their future careers, but also for the future of the family business.

Here, two experts discuss why the grandparent-grandchild relationship is special within enterprising families, and how the older generation can focus on communication in order to allow the youngest generations to strengthen their own identities, whether they are staying with the family business, or carving out their own path.

Wendy Sage-Hayward, FEA, Vancouver-based consultant at Chicago-based The Family Business Consulting Group

How might the perspectives of grandparents (let’s call them G1) differ from their grandchildren or great-grandchildren (G3, G4)?

“A large portion of today’s grandparents are baby boomers who have often been afforded the opportunity to get higher education and have benefited from better economic times – more so than previous generations. Their grandchildren are facing greater financial barriers with things like affording a home or rising tuition costs – and the cost-of-living increases in general.”

How is the grandparent-grandchild (G1-G3/G4) relationship special but also different from the G2-G3 dynamic?

“Grandparents and grandchildren often have strong relationships without the same tensions that might exist in the parent-child dynamic. This connection naturally extends to wanting to lend help and support to their grandchildren (as well as their own children).”

How can the grandparent-grandchild (G1-G3) relationship pose challenges within family enterprises?

“Predicaments that might need to be managed when grandparents lend financial support may include:

1) The parents may disagree with the grandparents giving money – wanting their children to ‘learn life lessons,’ ‘fend for themselves,’ ‘stand on their own two feet,’ ‘not be entitled,’ and so on – which can cause conflict or relationship breakdowns between G1 and G2;

2) It may perpetuate poor financial hygiene and decision making in the rising generation;

3) Depending on the financial outlay, it could cause the grandparents to experience financial hardship;

4) Depending on the expectations and agreement around giving money (i.e., to pay it back or not), it may lead to guilt and shame for the rising generation or a breakdown of the grandparent- grandchild relationship.”

How can those challenges foster fear around communication between grandparents and grandchildren?

“Money is a taboo topic for many families and therefore often difficult to have skillful conversation around. Money can mean love, power, control and status. If we don’t have the ability to have good conversations around it, then our communication becomes stifled and unclear, leading to misunderstandings and confusing expectations.

We all have a relationship to money, but we aren’t always aware of what this means for us and how this affects our behaviours and feelings about it. When others enter the sphere of our relationship to money, it can change our relationship with them.”

How can the dialogue be helpful, crossing the generational and possible wealth gulf?

“If the grandparents worked hard to build their wealth, it can be useful to help the rising generation understand what it means to them and their desired legacy.

However, these messages are often laden with emotions and heavy expectations. It is a delicate balancing act to express the meaning and effort behind the wealth generation while inspiring the rising generations to be responsible stewards of the wealth.

Building wealth and growing up in wealth form two very different world views. The gulf between these world views often causes tension, disappointment and frustration.”

Can you offer some advice for grandparents and founders of family enterprises who want to approach these topics with G3 and G4?

“Behaviours can change but it takes a great deal of time, effort, patience and clear intention. It also takes a calm, flexible and creative mindset.

Starting early is the best approach.

However, when the challenges occur later in life, I have experienced that the following help a family to make progress: Mapping out a shared vision of legacy and family relationships; understanding each person’s values and establishing a shared set of values for the family; making an authentic commitment to open, honest and transparent dialogue; exploring each person’s relationship to money (using a facilitator and guided process).

This starts to demystify the conversation around money and helps to illuminate one’s capabilities and challenges around financial matters in a non-judgmental way. [And finally], educating the family together around the psychology of money.”

Don Steele, Burlington, Ont.-based senior advisor at Winnipeg-based Blackwood Family Enterprise Services

Sometimes grandparents may be hesitant to share stories from their personal experiences. Is story telling valuable?

“We think it’s vitally important for senior generations to share their stories of the hard work and sacrifice that was required to create their families’ wealth. … Grandparents who have stepped back from their leadership roles in successful family enterprises can become trusted and extremely knowledgeable mentors for their grandchildren, both inside and outside the business, with a strong emotional connection to them.

Within the business, grandparents who have passed the day-to-day pressures of managing to their own children can devote their energy to teaching their ‘rising generation’ grandchildren how to make decisions, avoid problems and, importantly, how to learn from the mistakes that they make.

Outside the business, through the stories of struggle, hard work, immigration, etc. that only they can tell with authority, grandparents are a powerful linkage for their grandchildren to the family’s values and legacy, providing them with the guiding principles that will help them navigate the challenges they will encounter in their lives generally and in their relationship with wealth.

… In their stories are timeless lessons for their grandchildren about the power of resiliency and perseverance, and how to adapt to a changing environment. These lessons will help rising generations respond to the challenging times they will face in the future, either as leaders in legacy family businesses or entrepreneurs building their own businesses.”

Sometimes young lives can go off the rails. Can grandparents help in this case?

“The answer depends heavily on the individual(s) involved, the nature of past struggles and the current circumstances.

However, provided there is a will and capacity on the part of the rising generation to grow and overcome past challenges, and a willingness of the family and others to support their efforts to succeed, it is rarely ever too late to try. That said, it’s always better to start earlier than later.”

Responses have been lightly edited for clarity and length.

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