Money and relationships: Power dynamics can unravel the knot

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It’s a truth not universally acknowledged that high-net-worth individuals can be unlucky in love, and it might be their fault. That’s according to a study published in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society B, where the researchers suggest that people in higher social classes have a lesser tendency to what they describe as “wise reasoning” or conflict management.

Or, in simpler terms, excess money can produce speed bumps that handicap a relationship.

But our experts say that awareness, communications and surrounding yourself with friends and even third-party professionals can prevent you from being on your fifth divorce and your kids refusing to speak with you.

Money mindset can leak into personal relationships

High-net-worth individuals have a different mindset about money that can leak into relationships, says Jen Lawrence, owner and managing director of Process Design Consultants Inc. in Toronto.

The ultra-wealthy, whether their fortune is generational or they earned it themselves, “often forget what it’s like to not be wealthy,” she says. Having that much money can lead to uneven power dynamics. “You have power and privilege,” she says.

“People say yes to them all the time. People treat them nicely all the time. The reason why a lot of very rich people get into real problems is because they’re never surrounded by people who challenge them,” Lawrence says.

She explains that this lack of challenge and constantly being told yes can make people forget that most other people live with compromise and reciprocity. “When you’re the person with all the money, you feel like you’re providing for people all the time monetarily, so you don’t have to ever compromise personally.”

Practicing the three Cs

Fundamentally, compromise is key in personal relationships, says Kelly Willis Green, an independent wealth marketing advisor and host of the podcast Serious Coin.

This is nothing new for anyone in a relationship, but wealth does put a different spin on what compromise looks like.

Travel is one example, Green says. One partner may prefer a luxurious destination while the other may not be able to afford it or prefers to go to Disney World. Green says there are multiple ways to compromise. “The person with more money can pay for the trip, or each partner can pay what they can, and a third solution could be the person with more means says, ‘We’ll travel according to your budget.’”

However a couple decides to manage wealth and their relationship, Green recommends keeping three things in mind, as mentioned by one of her podcast guests, wealth psychologist Jamie Traeger-Muney: courage, curiosity and communications. Each person has to be in the right space to examine and understand their own relationship with money.

“I think the important thing is to sit down and talk about it when you’re both ready, when you’re both in a frame of mind when you’re relaxed and open and ready to have the conversation,” Green says.

Things to discuss could include, “Is it balanced or does money have power over you? What are your tendencies? What are your blind spots? What are your patterns? What are the underlying beliefs about money that are driving your behaviour?” she says. When you bring those into the light and explore them with a curious lens, she says, you’ll be in a better position to have a more healthy and balanced relationship around money with your partner.

“It’s a little bit like dating. You have to be comfortable and happy with yourself first before you can attract a healthy and happy relationship. And I think the same is true of money.”

As for more tangible tools, Green suggests the book The Heart of Money: A Couple’s Guide to Creating True Financial Intimacy, by Deborah Price, which can help in examining a relationship.

If further help is needed, Green suggests finding a facilitator, intermediary, counselor or money coach.

Create rituals to enhance connection

That’s where registered psychotherapist Minni Sharma comes in. As a specialist in relationships and divorce, she offers a non-judgment perspective on wealth and its effect on relationships.

“I love the couples who come in for maintenance,” she says. “It’s like cars, you don’t think twice about it, you’re invested in that [and maintaining it]. Why are you not investing in your own relationships?”

Sharma agrees that communication and compromise are important, but she says couples should also create consistent rituals to have the discussions needed to support and maintain a healthy relationship.

Busy couples who are building a business, for example, face a multitude of distractions, and they should consider establishing “a ritual that could be something as simple as once a month you go away for a weekend, you switch off your phone and reconnect.”

Sharma explains that, psychologically, if you don’t have a ritual, you can feel unsettled and disconnected, and that creates stress. When your brain knows that both of you have carved out time, and you have consistency, you actually feel more connected to your partner and feel more loved.

“If you don’t feel connected to your partner, that conversation around money is not going to go well because you might be feeling neglected and not heard,” she says.

Couples have to build that connection and foundation. “So if you have a much more solid foundation where there’s trust, where you create a safe space for each other, the difficult conversations will go much smoother.”

Far too many people come to the realization late that compromise and communication is key to a relationship. As Lawrence points out, it’s usually at the expense of all their relationships, when they’re on their fifth partner, have no friends and are completely alienated from their kids, who don’t like them anymore.

A little bit of work and maybe some professional help can prevent that.

More from Canadian Family Offices:

• Where to invest $1 million right now
• Outlook on luxury real estate: Some waiting to pounce, others renovating to stay
• The challenge when you become rich: Stay ‘normal’
• How to transfer wealth to next generation using trusts

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