Out of all the questions we ask our clients—and I lob a lot of tough ones at them—one in particular frequently draws a strong emotional response. In some cases, it brings on a tear or two.
“Do you ever feel lonely?”
I know, I know. Despite our commitment to our clients’ happiness and well-being, most wealth advisors are either not inclined or not able to counsel on matters of the heart and soul.
We can talk about financial strategies, estate planning and all kinds of tax wisdom. We can advise on family dynamics and probe into marital difficulties or an adult child’s substance abuse problems because the more we know, the better we can guide our clients.
But loneliness? This most profound of feelings is also one of the hardest to talk about—it’s tough to raise the question and even tougher to give an honest answer.
And yet, as we move past the holiday season into these darker months of the year, when the cheer has faded and the long nights stretch on, it feels more important than ever to address it. This is the time when the silence grows louder, and the weight of loneliness can feel even heavier.
There’s truth to that old cliché: “It’s lonely at the top.” Wealth builders who have toiled their way to success often present an image of impermeable strength that they strive to preserve even during tough times. The buck stops with them.
Loneliness can also hit during neutral or even happy times because when you’re in a position of privilege, it can feel like no one else can relate to your experiences.
Then there’s the loneliness that comes from being alone. Rich, middle-class or poor, more and more Canadians today live on their own—4.4 million, or 15 per cent, of all adults lived alone in 2021, according to Statistics Canada.
So we ask our clients: Do you ever feel lonely? Some have cried during these talks, and I’ve cried with them.
We don’t have a solution to loneliness, but what we have toward clients is a duty of care as their trusted advisor. In general, this duty means looking after their best interests within the context of wealth and family office advising.
In particular, it means providing guidance through good times and bad and helping them adapt plans as their lives change. We have reworked financial and estate plans as clients prepared to welcome a new child, relocate to another country, end a marriage or bury a spouse. We have been a shoulder to cry on or the tough voice that pushed for a pre-nup in the days leading up to the big wedding.
But what about when emotional distress impairs decision-making? During moments of profound loneliness, grief or stress, a client’s ability to think clearly can be compromised. Recognizing this is critical to our duty of care. In such instances, we make it a point to tread carefully, offering the support they need while also steering them toward sound decisions.
And yes, sometimes the conversations lead to a point where I realize I’m not enough. There are moments when I gently recommend counseling or connecting with a professional who can address their emotional well-being in a deeper, more focused way.
When it comes to loneliness, our duty of care means giving clients the space to air out their desolation and letting them know their feelings matter to us. There’s a relief they feel in being asked the question, and a release in answering.
Sometimes, the discussions I have with clients lead to potential solutions, like a decision to join a travel group, go back to school or dip a toe into the dating pool. We make suggestions and show possibilities. It is, in the end, a very personal decision, and whatever they choose, we stand by their side.
How is this any of my business? Wealth and family advisors often talk about the advantage of service and advice that is holistic and personal. Visiting the depths of a client’s loneliness is about as personal—and trusted—as an advisor can get.
It’s not easy, and it’s not for everyone, but I think most clients will appreciate the effort.
Elke Rubach is a Certified Financial Planner with CLU and MFA-P designations. Her expertise lies in optimizing income and tax efficiencies, achieving cohesiveness in financial and estate plans, and providing ongoing asset management strategies that foster wealth accumulation and growth. Elke is a reformed lawyer who earned her graduate degree in law, with a focus on banking and finance, at the London School of Economics, where she studied on a Chevening Scholarship. She worked as an associate at the London (U.K.) and Toronto offices of the law firm McCarthy Tetrault. During a stint in banking, Elke observed the life-changing impact of good financial advice and decided to switch to a career in financial planning and wealth management. She founded Toronto-based Rubach Wealth in 2012. Today, Elke is a sought-after speaker on wealth management, estate planning and philanthropy. She’s the founder of Fashion Heals for SickKids, which has raised more than $500,000 for pediatric cancer care and research since 2016. She also gives back with board and volunteer commitments with the Professional Advisory Council for SickKids Foundation, the Investment Committee at the Office of the Public Guardian, the advisory board for Transpod Inc., and the board of Ronald McDonald House Charities in Toronto.
January is National Mental Wellness Month, a time to recognize the importance of mental health by raising awareness, reducing stigma and encouraging people to seek help. In recognition of this vital issue, Canadian Family Offices, alongside Healthing.ca, is hosting an expert panel discussion on Jan. 17 to discuss the mental health challenges of high achievers. Click here to register today.
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