Holiday gifts: Damned if you give lavishly, damned if you don't

Article content

Some might lack sympathy for the discomfort of gift-givers with big budgets, but the pain can be very real. For instance, when there’s a significant wealth difference between the giver and receiver, a modest offering can make the giver look stingy, but a lavish one can be viewed as ostentatious or controlling.

“Most people think that people who have money problems are people who don’t have money,” says Jen Lawrence, managing director of the coaching and consulting company Process Design Consultants Inc. in Oakville, Ont. “But wealthy people have money problems, too.”

This holds true especially on gift-giving occasions such as weddings, birthdays, anniversaries and, of course, holidays.

“The gift is always more than the gift,” Lawrence says. “What do you give your parents if you have more money than your siblings? It can be very complicated.”

The same applies when it’s time to give presents to employees, or to family and friends of more modest means.

“Even if there’s a $100 limit, the $100 for you is less meaningful than $100 for other people. That is one of the reasons why wealthy people often hang out with other wealthy people: because it’s easier,” she says. “You can go on a vacation or pay for a restaurant bill knowing that it won’t be an issue.”

And then there’s the difficulty of matching a family member’s wishes and expectations when they’re someone who already “has it all.”

Lawrence suggests “gifts of access” instead. “People tend to know the price of luxury items, but a jersey signed by a favourite hockey player or an album signed by a musician is a nice way of treating people to something special without making it about money.”

Registered psychotherapist Minni Sharma, who practices in Toronto, also has explored these issues with clients.

“Particularly what to get their spouses for birthdays or anniversaries,” she says. As a therapist, her focus is on helping people improve family bonds and personal wellness, so she advises solving this conundrum with a gift of time rather than money.

“What I mean by the gift of time is experiences,” she says. “I had one client who said, ‘I don’t know what to get my husband’ – it was a significant anniversary.” Sharma helped her client build a list of things the husband had mentioned he always wanted to do, so she could book something the couple could participate in together and that would stretch their boundaries a little.

“We live such a busy lifestyle, and most people who have significant amounts of wealth are busy people,” Sharma says. Rock climbing, salsa lessons, yoga retreats and food- or wine-tasting trips let people share meaningful time together. Or “having a private chef or a fitness coach come in and give them private lessons,” she suggests.

“Let’s say you want to purchase a car for your son; showing up with a car with a bow on it is great, but a greater shared experience is taking your son car-shopping with you,” she says. “That experience is worth far more than the car itself. What is the message you’re giving to your loved one? I’m present!”

Krista Han, managing partner for New Brunswick with Grant Thornton LLP, says the family gifting dilemma comes down to asking, “What are your family’s values, and how do you make decisions together?”

Establishing clarity on values is a good start, along with taking cultural traditions into account, she says, noting that her own family background comes with different customs regarding gifts than her husband’s, who is Chinese.

“In my family, if you went to a wedding shower, a gift of a toaster would be normal, but in my sister-in-law’s family, you’re going to get an envelope with $500 in cash. As families grow even more diverse, navigating these things will become even more challenging,” she says.

Money shouldn’t be complicated. But because we equate it with security, love and power – really meaty, weighty psychological things – even a simple holiday gift exchange can become stressful, says Jen Lawrence. Everyone has their own “money story” reflecting their cultural background, community, upbringing, family dynamics and personality.

For some, receiving gifts is painful, because during their childhood, gift-giving reflected dysfunctional family dynamics. For example, the wealthier of two divorced parents might manipulate a child with lavish presents that their former partner can’t afford, Lawrence says.

Further uncomfortable situations can arise if a new family member or the next generation wants to change something that’s been done for generations, says Russel Baskin, a consultant with Trella Advisory Group Inc. in Toronto.

“With new money – maybe a young couple who has had some kind of liquidity event – I think that can be more challenging, because there’ll be this shift between what was happening before the wealth and what is happening after the wealth, and the expectations that people may have,” she says.

“One way to address this is to come together as a family and have a conversation about that: Do they want to do something like a Secret Santa, where they each have one person they buy a gift for?”

Whether the family members decide to forego presents in favour of a joint charitable donation or splash out on a lavish vacation, “it doesn’t matter,” Baskin says. “The challenge comes when people are not in agreement; this is a great time to come together as a family and practice those decision-making skills. It’s about being purposeful and intentional about what they do; it’s an opportunity for the family to pass down their values.”

Krista Han notes, “As long as the gift givers have a clear understanding of who will make decisions, then I think they can take great pride in making those decisions. Other people can judge, but as long as they’re clear about what they’re doing and that they’ve stuck to their values, they really only need to be accountable to themselves.”

More from CanadianFamilyOffices.com:

• An ‘outlier’ year: What wealthier investors are doing, and their plans for 2023
• Why couples are choosing luxury winter weddings
• How Canada’s new luxury tax works
• Family guardians keep wolves at bay – unless they’re already inside the fence

Please visit here to see information about our standards of journalistic excellence.