Wealth and loneliness can go hand-in-hand during the holidays

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We’re in a loneliness epidemic. The World Health Organization warned this year that social isolation and loneliness could become a global epidemic that leads to increased risk of heart disease, stroke, dementia and premature death.

The U.S. surgeon general, Vivek Murthy, also published an advisory comparing the health risks of loneliness to smoking 15 cigarettes a day, and saying that it increases the risk of premature death by nearly 30 per cent.

While no one is immune from social isolation and loneliness, further studies have looked at the effect of money and increased loneliness on high-net-worth individuals. Researchers from Emory University and the University of Minnesota surveyed 120,000 Americans and found that on average, those with higher incomes spent more time alone and less time interacting with others.

Those with greater incomes also spent less time with their families when they did socialize.

This is something Minni Sharma, a registered psychotherapist in Stouffville, Ont., has seen in her practice.

“I’m getting a lot of really successful single men and more single women who have done amazing things in all areas of their lives and are having a really difficult time trying to get a healthy relationship or find a healthy partner,” she says.

Adding to the pressure is the holiday season, when people feel particularly compelled to partner up. After all, we’re bombarded with holiday movies where couples live happily ever after.

For women, “Often you haven’t met anyone, you’re told you’re amazing, so why are you still single? And some are choosing to be single. But along with that comes a lot of loneliness,” says Sharma.

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely, of course. Researchers at the University of Arizona have found that these two things are not closely correlated. Being alone is a physical state, as in you’re not with another person or animal.

Being lonely is considered a distressing psychological state where someone feels like their relationships are poor in quality and quantity. “You could be in a partnership surrounded by 100 people and still feel very lonely,” says Sharma.

How wealth may cause loneliness

Money can affect how people feel. Self-made individuals who are driven and career-oriented may choose to spend a quiet night at home, Sharma says. That can narrow down opportunities to meet friends and new people.

Plus there is the potential for awkwardness and isolation when one person in a friendship gains wealth. “With newer wealth [the question is], ‘Where do I belong and which relationships can I trust?’” says Sharma. She recommends rediscovering common interests with friends and making them the focus of the relationship.

Acquiring wealth doesn’t automatically lead to loneliness, however, says Natasha Knox, a financial advisor and founder of Alaphia Financial Wellness in Westminster, B.C. Perhaps these individuals have had the time to acclimate to their growing wealth, or money was never a main part of their identity.

“[Their wealth] was accumulated over many, many years, kind of like friendships evolved over many, many years,” she says. That can make it easier to maintain relationships with friends and family.

Where she can see the effects of money, relationships and loneliness is when the accumulation is sudden, such as in a lottery win or the vesting and cashing in of shares.

“When it comes on all at once, it takes a couple of years to actually get used to it,” Knox says. “Typically, there’s an adjustment period, and in that adjustment period, it’s time to go back to the values you’ve always had.”

“What are the values that I’ve always held and how can those now be authentically expressed in this new paradigm?” she asks. “What is the good that I want to do in the world? And it doesn’t necessarily mean with money.”

When wealth is generational, loneliness can come from the feeling that you’ve been groomed to have networking and transactional relationships with no place for vulnerability.

“It comes down to trust. ‘Can I trust this person? Do they really like me for who I am or for my money?’” Sharma says. “So that can create a very lonely space in terms of ‘who do I rely on in terms of being vulnerable if I want to?’

“And the holidays are a whole other ballgame. There’s a lot of pressure.”

Signs you may be lonely

One of the symptoms of loneliness is a drastic change in spending habits, says Knox. “I’m not talking about buying sweaters, I’m talking about buying a boat.”

Other symptoms include behaviors that are substitutes for connection. An example might be shopping where you have a personal shopping assistant or eating at establishments where the staff knows your name.

Among the medical reasons for feeling loneliness are depression and anxiety, according to both Sharma and Knox.

How to counter loneliness

One way is becoming involved in your community. Don’t just donate money to a cause, says Sharma. Research shows that happiness comes from connection and community in our primary relationships – “getting out there, forming community and doing activities that they enjoy, where they’re going to find like-minded people.”

Both experts also recommend speaking to a professional therapist. “Figure out what you want, figure out what that might look like, figure out where your tribe is,” says Sharma. “It’s that fine balance of being able to have business relationships but also authentic ones.

“But when you haven’t grown up with that, you don’t know what that looks like,” she says. Finding a therapist to work through it can help, she says.

Knox says mentally distancing yourself from feelings of loneliness can help by describing yourself as “experiencing loneliness” rather than being a lonely person.

“Getting a little bit of distance from it” can help, she says. “If we can muster up just a little bit of curiosity, and name it right like that in itself, rather than trying to run from it, it increases our tolerance to allow the feeling to be there and not try to get rid of it.”

More from Canadian Family Offices:

• Four top concerns of wealthy Canadian families at year end
• Top celebrities and athletes lend star power to Canadian charities
• Four family-office executives and what they’re investing in today
• Who’s who: Big-ticket donations from Canada’s wealthiest people

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