Stiff upper lip versus healing: generations’ approach to therapy

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Therapy may seem like a wise and common choice for handling the stresses of life. But for those leading a successful family enterprise, especially if they come from a more traditional perspective, or have built up a business against many obstacles, the idea of therapy might represent weakness.

For first-gens who came from an immigration experience or a tumultuous family history before founding the family business, the idea of “getting on with it” might be the very backbone of their enterprise, and therapy might feel like a dismantling of that ideology.

Whereas younger generations may be more open to therapy.

The conflict between generational or cultural views on therapy might present challenges for multigenerational relationships in family enterprise.

Here, two experts, one therapist based in Canada, and one wealth and family enterprise advisor who practices internationally, share their experience working with clients across generations and cultures, as well as their advice for managing conflicting perspectives within families.

Minni Sharma, Psychotherapist, Divorce and relationship specialist, Collaborative law family professional, author

Why might different generations and cultures respond differently to trauma?

“Trauma is very specific to one’s journey. Whether it was experiencing a war, family addictions or attachment trauma, our messages about resilience may differ generationally.

For example, older generations or in many cultures, people may have been advised of the sentiment to “suck it up” or that others have it worse.

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Often, having our trauma minimized by our caregivers can wreak havoc in our adult lives if the trauma remains unhealed.

The idea of receiving mental health support is still stigmatized, especially with those in the older generations. It is however, slowly becoming a global conversation, especially when public figures are dying of suicide.”

How might generational ideas of therapy differ?

“As a therapist, I see that the younger generation clients definitely are more open to seeking out mental health support. The first generation of family enterprises, in my experience, tend to come to therapy, if at all, to resolve issues with family members that they view as the problem.

I often explain that therapy (at least my approach) can be more psychoeducation and the purpose is to learn new skills. A therapist cannot “fix” anyone but can provide tools to alter behavioural patterns and process or heal trauma.”

How might an immigration experience, typically with the founding generation of a family enterprise, shape a first-gen’s perspective around trauma and therapy?

“Immigrants coming to Canada who have achieved a very successful business enterprise, often see their success as resilience and may overlook the feelings of loneliness or disconnect from their community.

There’s often guilt about feeling unhappy or ungrateful. They may undermine their feelings of loss around leaving their family, friends and community.

This makes it much more challenging for the first generation to seek support.”

How can next generations be affected in a family business?

“Successors of the family enterprises are often reminded of the sacrifices the first generation made to achieve success in the family business. This can result in the second or third generation having some attachment trauma if the parents were too busy or selective to attend to the emotional needs of their children. Parents do the best that they can, however attachment trauma can cause issues in adults’ relationships.

Also, trauma can be carried inter- or trans-generationally, as studies of Holocaust survivors have shown. Behaviours such as alcoholism, domestic violence, etc. can also be passed on generationally. It’s important for people, no matter what generation, to receive support from a therapist. It’s the human experience and we all have to heal.”

Are there ways for generations to come together in healing?

“Some therapists, such as myself, offer family counselling. This aids in providing effective communication tools within the family and healing wounds that affect conflictual relationships.

This is of utmost importance if families want to continue the generational wealth and success of the enterprise. The family unit that is healthy is at the core of a successful business and of course a happier life.”

Ronit Lami, UNHW wealth psychologist

Los Angeles-London-based Dr. Lami works internationally with ultra-high-net-worth individuals and families, and family offices and family businesses, on the non-financial aspect of successful wealth transfer and succession planning, as well as family dynamics, legacy and relationship to money.

Why might different generations and cultures in family businesses respond differently to
stress?

“It is a fact that we have cultural differences that have been handed down to us by the previous generations. It is like having a cultural DNA that has been there for hundreds of years.

So, it is normal that different cultures respond differently because it is part of the cultural make-up of the generations and this what people in a specific culture are used to, have observed and modeled – it is all done subconsciously.”

How might generational ideas of therapy differ?

“The idea of ‘just getting on with it’ is relevant mostly to baby boomers and gen X and less relevant to Generations Y, X and Z.

The world is changing rapidly and therefore it is normal to see these differences in generational approach to trauma and therapy.

In the past, people did not have the option or the awareness of seeking psychological help. Nonetheless, they did not label things that happened to them as being traumatic and there was not such awareness as we experience today, therefore their approach is bound to be different.

However, next-gen members of a family enterprise have grown up in a different world with a different mindset and they are exposed to much more than the previous generations and therefore will have a softer approach towards therapy and are less able to tolerate what the previous generation have.”

How can next generations be affected in a family business?

“Each person, family and generation is different to the other. Today people are exposed to much
more than in previous generations, which causes confusion, being overwhelmed, sensitivity, competition, and more.

They are also more sheltered in some ways, which does not allow them to develop resilience, stamina, and deal with difficult situation as well as the previous gens did.

All of these places them in a more vulnerable position mentally and emotionally without their awareness.

It is a known psychological fact that comparing yourself to others can make you feel less than the person you compare yourself to. This means that comparing is something a person needs to learn not to do. Instead, [one needs to] learn to empower oneself and take steps to grow and develop.

Individuals must understand that their parents or grandparents lived in a different time and were exposed to different things, and the skills they have may be suitable to their time but may not be good for today’s time.

Each generation has its strengths and weaknesses. Guilt or shame comes from lack of true self-confidence, self-esteem and self-value and self-worth. If a person has all of these, they will not feel shame or guilt because they will understand that there is no comparison between traumas – one is not more difficult than the other, etc. Traumas – stress, anxiety etc. – are fear-based and not generation-based. Each generation has their own share of it just wearing different masks or having different shapes and colors.”

Do you have any tips for bringing generations and cultures together when it comes to making therapy an “okay” and healthy source of family communication?

“People view therapy as: ‘How will things change, or problems be solved, by going to someone and just talking about stuff?’ [Their attitude might differ] if they understood that therapy is much more than that.

Therapy is a gift, not a punishment. If people understand the value, they will not see it as a negative experience. The problem with therapy is that until you experience it, you cannot truly know the importance and the effect of it. It is like swimming. Until you are in the water, feeling it, experiencing it, starting to swim, you will never know its true meaning. There is a huge difference between experiential learning and academic learning.

Another point is to frame it and not call it ‘therapy’ but [explain it as] an opportunity for people to discuss, share, and talk about important subjects, share important feelings and thoughts that they do not share but are important to express.

It can be called coaching, mentoring, etc. Like a sports person who wants to be the best they can hires a coach, a family who wants to function in its highest potential should also hire coaches to help it understand itself and its dynamic.”

Responses have been lightly edited for clarity and length.

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