This is Part 3 of a series of articles on high-net-worth divorce by Elke Rubach. Find all the parts here.
Divorce isn’t always about love lost. Sometimes, it’s about fear—cold, quiet, soul-numbing fear—of not knowing what happens when the money disappears.
Let’s stop pretending.
In the high-net-worth world, lots of people are staying in broken marriages. Not because they don’t know it’s over, or they haven’t thought about leaving. It’s because they’re terrified of what it would cost to walk away—from the home, the business, the reputation, and in many cases their own financial identity.
They stay because staying feels safer than the unknown. They’ve convinced themselves that the price of freedom is too high, even when the emotional cost of staying is slowly eating them alive.
And here’s the kicker: The wealthier the family, the quieter the fear.
The trap of privilege
It’s easy to assume that wealth gives you freedom. But in some marriages, it becomes the trap. I’ve seen clients—smart, accomplished people—stay in emotionally bankrupt relationships because the financial complexity of leaving feels too overwhelming.
Some spouses feel they were never fully brought into the loop. They signed what they were told and didn’t ask too many questions, and now they realize they have no idea how the money works or what they’d be entitled to.
Or it’s the wealth creators, the ones who built the empire. They’re petrified that without a prenuptial agreement, they’ll lose half of everything they’ve built. The thought of dismantling their life’s work—or seeing it handed over in a courtroom—paralyzes them.
So they stay.
They go through the motions. They live separate lives under the same roof. They smile for the photos and host the fundraisers. And they quietly unravel.
In high-net-worth separations, where family offices often manage intergenerational wealth, the personal and financial stakes couldn’t be higher. This is where family office divorce planning becomes essential, yet is too often delayed.
Fear wears many faces
Divorce here isn’t always about screaming matches or scandal. More often, it’s about absence and the slow erosion of connection. The distance becomes normal. A partner might avoid asking hard questions because the answers might demand action.
Entrepreneurs might throw themselves into work to avoid confronting the silence at home. Spouses perform the lifestyle but haven’t felt peace in years.
And in the midst of all this emotional erosion? The children. They’re often the reason people say they’re staying. “We’re keeping the family together. We don’t want to disrupt their stability.”
It’s easy to assume that wealth gives you freedom. But in some marriages, it becomes the trap.
But let’s be honest: Children absorb everything. They know when affection is gone. They feel the tension that hangs in the air. And when they grow up watching two people coexist in a loveless marriage, that becomes their model. That becomes normal.
Children in unhappy marriages learn far more than we admit. And what they internalize—about love, power and financial dependence—often shapes their own relationships in adulthood.
The moral dilemma no one talks about
It becomes even more complicated when wealth was created during the marriage and they have no prenup. Divorce and finances become a philosophical and moral dilemma. What’s fair?
The wealth creator might say, “I took the risk. I built this.” The other may say, “I made your success possible. I raised our kids, kept our life together, stood by you when no one else did.”
They’re both right. But without legal clarity and open conversations, resentment festers and eventually explodes.
And here’s where it becomes costly. When people wait too long, what could’ve been a rational separation becomes a full-scale legal war. Dozens of professionals are involved. Legal fees soar. Forensic accountants are hired. Business valuations are disputed. And the money everyone was so afraid of losing? It disappears—just in a different direction.
The sad part is that most of it could have been avoided with early, honest dialogue. But when financial anxiety rules, people don’t talk, they arm up.
Advisors must be willing to go there
We’re not therapists, but we’re often the first to hear the early cracks:
- “I’d leave, but I have no idea how I’d live.”
- “We haven’t been a couple in years, but it’s complicated.”
- “The kids are almost grown. I’ll wait.”
These aren’t passing thoughts, they’re confessions in disguise. And as trusted professionals, our role isn’t to push anyone toward divorce, it’s to help them replace fear with facts.
Whether you’re a financial advisor, lawyer or planner, supporting clients in this space means creating a safe, strategic environment, one that allows them to see clearly and plan responsibly. Because the longer someone sits in that paralysis, the worse it gets. Not just financially, but emotionally—for them, for their children, for everyone connected to the legacy they’ve built.
Practical steps that break the fear loop
Here’s where to begin:
Create a financial inventory: Show what’s joint, what’s separate, what’s protected and what’s at risk. Clarity builds confidence.
Assemble the right team, quietly and compassionately: A family lawyer. A tax specialist. A financial planner. A therapist. People who can work behind the scenes, without drama.
Revisit the estate plan: Divorce or not, documents need to reflect current intentions, especially when children and blended families are involved.
Encourage honest conversations: Don’t talk about blame but about options, dignity and wealth planning after divorce, if that’s the direction they choose.
Final thoughts: Whether they stay or leave, both deserve clarity
Some people stay, some choose to leave, and neither path is easy. Both carry financial, emotional and reputational weight. But the one constant in all of it is this: Decisions made from fear rarely serve anyone well.
Whether your clients choose to remain in the relationship or end it, they deserve to do so from a place of knowledge, not paralysis. They deserve to understand their rights, risks and options. And their children deserve to witness relationships that reflect honesty, respect and emotional health, not just stability at any cost.
The legacy we pass on is not just financial, it’s relational. And clarity—no matter the outcome—is what preserves both.
Elke Rubach is a Certified Financial Planner with CLU and MFA-P designations. Her expertise lies in optimizing income and tax efficiencies, achieving cohesiveness in financial and estate plans, and providing ongoing asset management strategies that foster wealth accumulation and growth. Elke is a reformed lawyer who earned her graduate degree in law, with a focus on banking and finance, at the London School of Economics, where she studied on a Chevening Scholarship. She worked as an associate at the London (U.K.) and Toronto offices of the law firm McCarthy Tetrault. During a stint in banking, Elke observed the life-changing impact of good financial advice and decided to switch to a career in financial planning and wealth management. She founded Toronto-based Rubach Wealth in 2012. Today, Elke is a sought-after speaker on wealth management, estate planning and philanthropy. She’s the founder of Fashion Heals for SickKids, which has raised more than $500,000 for pediatric cancer care and research since 2016. She also gives back with board and volunteer commitments with the Professional Advisory Council for SickKids Foundation, the Investment Committee at the Office of the Public Guardian, the advisory board for Transpod Inc., and the board of Ronald McDonald House Charities in Toronto.
The Canadian Family Offices newsletter comes out on Sundays and Wednesdays. If you are interested in stories about Canadian enterprising families, family offices and the professionals who work with them, but like your content aggregated, you can sign up for our free newsletter here.
Please visit here to see information about our standards of journalistic excellence.