‘Please fix my kid’: Parents regret being too easy on their children
Well-meaning moms and dads are tempted to smooth their kids’ path, especially if they have the money to do so
Article content
You occasionally hear the stories. Young people who roll out of bed at noon because what’s the point of going to school or getting a job when they’ve got money to burn? Or they buy a new car on a whim to show off on Instagram – and crash it a week later. Or they arrive at family meetings impaired.
“That’s where people like me get a call from a matriarch or patriarch and they say, ‘fix my kid,’” says Steve Legler, a family legacy guide in Montreal who works with multigenerational families. He’s seen the good, the bad and the ugly.
But “fixing kids” is obviously not that simple, particularly the adult offspring who have never been asked to step up before. “It’s very hard to go through life on easy street and then be told, ‘You have to work hard and get a job now,’” Legler explains.
“Easy” is the operative word here. Parents may be well-meaning, but in their determination to give their kids the best, some make things too easy for them and remove obstacles. It can backfire later.
Maggie Mamen, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Ottawa and author of the international best-seller The Pampered Child Syndrome: How to Recognize It, How to Manage It and How to Avoid It, has been working with families for 40 years. She explains that parents have to understand that their main job is not to be their children’s servants and give them whatever they ask for – even if wealth makes it possible. It’s to equip them with the skills and tools they’ll need to face challenges later.
“It’s not helpful to relieve them of everything they don’t like doing,” she says. “This has led to a generation of children who give up as soon as life becomes uncomfortable, have little resilience and no sense of community service.”
Putting pressure on your child’s private school to give her a better grade, despite her unwillingness to study before a test? That just teaches her that parents will bail her out, not that she needs to step up her study game.
In short, some struggle is good for us, experts advise. If we’re not struggling, we’re not learning how to roll with life’s punches.
Some research seems to show the long-term effects. Children of wealthy families are more likely to suffer from drug and alcohol use and depression and anxiety than those living in inner cities. While excessive parental pressure to succeed is thought to be the culprit for some, lax rule-making and isolation from caregivers are thought to have an effect, too. As any parent knows, it’s hard to lay down the law at home when business encroaches on family time and the work phone keeps dinging into the night. Who has the energy to argue about a surprise credit card bill?
This has led to a generation of children who give up as soon as life becomes uncomfortable, have little resilience and no sense of community service.
Psychologist Maggie Mamen
Dan Riverso, chief executive officer of Jesselton Capital Management in Toronto, sees entitlement play out most often in the founders’ grandchildren. While the adult children watched their parents work long hours and put in the blood, sweat and tears to build the family business, their own kids are often too far removed.
“What happens is they have no connection to how the money was earned. That memory is long gone,” he says. “I don’t want to say they go off the rails, but they’re sort of lost.”
So whether they’re from second, third or later generations, how can parents turn things around? Is it even possible?
“It’s never too late as long as natural consequences are allowed to happen,” says Mamen. “It’s just harder to break the habit the longer it has been tolerated.”
Here are some ways to give children, youth and adults some grit without swinging too far the other way and neglecting parental duties. In other words, when it comes to encouraging resilience, it’s not all or nothing.
It’s about purpose
Happy people wake up in the morning and feel a deep connection to their work, volunteerism or philanthropy projects. They have purpose. Without that, malaise sets in and people act out.
Riverso says, “If all you’re doing is running around and going to restaurants or shopping all day, humans don’t thrive. We’re not meant to strive in that way.”
To give family members purpose, he recommends focusing on governance and stewardship. It’s about making sure younger generations learn more about their family’s history. If they’re not actually involved in running the day-to-day of the business, perhaps they have a board seat or attend board meetings as a guest to see what goes on. Create a family charter with all generations involved so everyone has a say in how the family sees itself and knows what they value. (It’s often an eye-opening exercise.)
The perfect scenario? Parents who pass along family values – hard work and dedication – but give their offspring the flexibility to pursue their own passions while still being expected to participate in the governance and stewardship of the family’s wealth.
Riverso points to one affluent family whose son became an opera singer dedicated to his craft. Their wealth allowed him to follow his passion and work in the arts, and his parents were happy and proud of his accomplishments.
Wean them off
While helping kids develop purpose is the long-term goal, sometimes you’ve got to handle the short-term problems first.
Perhaps they are running up credit cards or hounding parents for money and making everyone’s lives miserable. Legler knows of one family who is trying to pull in the reins and give their adult offspring a budget – something they’ve never had before.
The young adults are expected to draft the budget for the first year, and then in year two, a third of the funding will be cut. Each year, more will disappear. Legler suspects this weaning technique will work well for a couple of the kids, but may be problematic for another.
“But at least they’re trying. At least the parents have come to the recognition that this is not sustainable, and they now need to make sure their offspring have some challenges and learn how to overcome them themselves,” he says.
Be willing to be uncomfortable, too
Whether you’re suddenly asking young children to do their own laundry or fill the dishwasher, or expecting a grown child to find a job and move out of the house, expect some pushback.
“Parents need to learn to handle their own discomfort, as things will often get worse – as the child realizes there’s been a big change – before they get better,” says Mamen.
More from Canadian Family Offices:
The problem is many parents will give up too soon because they think their children’s anger or frustration means it’s not working. Far from it, she explains. Children will often up the ante to see if their parents really mean it. They’re checking for cracks in the boundaries.
And it’s important to present a united front, including with older generations who may be tempted to step in and give a grandchild money or a trip to Europe as a way to alleviate short-term stress. Mamen says one of the biggest challenges she sees is one family member caving, which sets up a dangerous dynamic. It empowers the child to form an alliance with one parent or other family member and sabotage the whole thing.
Having a family conversation about impending changes will help everyone understand what is expected. Consider asking a third party from the family office to sit in to help keep conversations on track.
Making things too easy on the kids is understandable, particularly for parents who worked long hours to reach the pinnacle of success or started from nothing. Why allow the kids to struggle too? But protecting children isn’t only about keeping them out of harm’s way. It’s also about protecting them from themselves.
“Once we understand and accept this,” says Mamen, “we can then encourage them to figure things out – which includes letting them make mistakes and try again.”
Please visit here to see information about our standards of journalistic excellence.