Beware the too-comfortable life – it might be killing us

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Would you rather stay in a five-star bungalow perched over the crystal waters and pristine sand of Bora Bora, or at a Days Inn in Daytona?

The answer is obvious. Five stars all the way.

Now, let’s add another detail: You planned to travel with your best friends, but a post-pandemic financial snag now means they can no longer afford the resort’s eye-popping cost. Do you grab your 3LAB sunscreen and wave goodbye? Or book a less luxurious, yet still perfectly lovely, resort and enjoy their company?

If you chose the first option, it’s possible you’re a comfort addict – at least according to media articles that started popping up in 2019 explaining a comfort-at-all-costs phenomenon. Comfort junkies will only book penthouse suites and fly first class. Or they will bring their own sheets and food when staying in a friend’s guesthouse. (In this context, is it any wonder that “glamping” in the Ras Al Khaimah desert, compliments of the Ritz-Carlton, is a thing?)

Kelly Willis Green remembers reading a Tatler article about comfort addiction a few years ago, and it has stuck with her. Willis Green, a wealth marketing consultant and podcast host of Serious Coin, married into wealth seven years ago.

“You know, when you have a lot of money, everything is possible and every whim can be catered to,” she says. “Think of flying. You have a greeter at the airport who whisks you through to the lounge and gets you right to the plane.”

In truth, that sounds heavenly for anyone who has experienced air travel among the masses this past year.

But relying on excess comfort to protect from life’s inevitable unease can become problematic in ways big and small. For instance, the fear of discomfort could result in unhealthy isolation, says Willis Green, who spoke about this issue with one of her recent podcast guests, New York psychologist Clay Cockrell.

“To what degree do you use your money to buy comfort and reduce your exposure to the world?” she says. “Homes being built today have infrared saunas and cryotherapy chambers. Everything can be brought in. It could potentially cut you off.”

In reality, some discomfort is actually good for us. Without challenge, there is seldom growth. According to one study from Cornell University and the University of Chicago, expectation of comfort doesn’t just hold us back – reframing how we feel about discomfort can lead to achieving goals and an improved life.

In the study, more than 2,000 people tried activities that yanked them out of their comfort zones. They took improv classes, journalled tough emotions and learned about opposing political views. They were told that feeling anxious, frustrated and nervous was actually the goal. If they could push themselves past feelings of uncomfortable awkwardness, that meant they were on the right track.

Meanwhile, people in the control group weren’t given the same instruction. They muddled through on their own to learn the activities.

If some degree of suffering leads to growth and a more fulfilling life, should wealthy families have every whim catered to and every annoyance quashed by the people who advise and serve them?

In the end, the results were clear. Those who embraced discomfort were more engaged and excelled at new experiences. They turned negatives into positives and used challenges to change and ultimately build resilience.

Make no mistake, resilience is the goal. Resiliency can helps us thrive in the face of adversity, reduce stress, lower depression and enhance overall well-being.

Willis Green reminds us, “Let’s not forget that wealthy people, like everyone else, do face adversity. They become sick. They may struggle with addiction issues. It’s not like they are isolated from adversity.”

But having everything you want, and little resiliency to fall back on, can also lead to feeling there is little purpose in life. This can happen after a business owner sells his or her operation and the daily grind ends. When life becomes too easy, the edge – and the thrill that comes from striving and effort – turns soft.

“Striving is a component of wellness,” says Natasha Knox, a financial therapist and planner in Coquitlam, B.C. Some people lose their identity after selling the company they worked so hard to build, she says. Without the struggle, where’s the purpose?

Ronit Lami, a wealth psychologist based in the U.S. and U.K., assists wealthy individuals and families with the non-financial aspects of their wealth and their lives. She sees a similar pattern with beneficiaries, particularly those who are not involved in running a family business. There’s no need to work to achieve money, wealth or success, and there’s always a financial safety net.

“You see the strong lack of motivation, a lack of purpose, lack of meaning, a sense of emptiness,” she says. Too much comfort and too little challenge can lead to overindulging, partying, overspending, addictions and other unhealthy behaviour.

Or, there is the other side of the spectrum, “which is depression, anxiety, lack of self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth,” Lami says. She calls it the “beneficiary syndrome.”

So, if some degree of suffering leads to growth and a more fulfilling life, should wealthy families have every whim catered to and every annoyance quashed by the people who advise and serve them?

Many family offices proclaim they can handle every aspect of their clients’ wealth and lives, from booking dream vacations to filing grandchildren’s taxes. But should that be the goal? When does reliance become helplessness?

Steve Legler, a family legacy guide in Montreal, says he’s starting to hear chitchat among some family office and wealth professionals who question whether “doing it all” is actually depriving younger generations from learning how to be self-sufficient adults.

“If the family office takes care of getting the mortgage, filing the tax returns and doing all that stuff for every generation, those people don’t know how to do anything on their own and they’re forever reliant,” he says. “A very small minority of people who serve these families are starting to scratch their heads and go, ‘Wait a sec. Maybe we’re doing too much for them.’ They want to help teach you how to catch the fish, not catch it for you.”

No one is asking families to forgo the odd glamping experience to swat mosquitoes for a week in Algonquin Park, but experiencing a full life requires leaving the bubble occasionally. Go out and see a movie (renting a whole theatre for your friends doesn’t count), get a haircut in a salon during business hours, attend that gallery opening and meet artists who create innovative work. And for goodness sake, take that vacation with your less wealthy best friend.

Uncomfortable? Maybe. But that’s the point.

Willis Green thinks back to that famous quote by Beatle George Harrison: “Do you remember when we were so poor we had to fly first class?’”

“I’m sure it was said tongue-in-cheek at the time,” she says. “But it does give you a sense of how it is so easy to move up the comfort hierarchy – and so very difficult to move down.”

More from Canadian Family Offices:

• ‘Athletes are different than other wealthy people’
• Why well-to-do families should be less shy about using social media
• Amplify charitable giving with flow-through shares. Here’s how they work

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