Mothers and female leaders: competing demands
Neelu Toor, law firm partner and foundation director: ‘With more and more women speaking up, it is less taboo to talk about being a mother and a career woman’
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Though women are becoming more visible and vocal about their roles as founders and leaders, they still often also fulfill traditional gender expectations around motherhood and caregiving. With these dual roles, women can face added pressures and responsibilities, beyond those that working women and leaders in family businesses already face.
In 2022, more than half of women aged 15 and older (52 per cent, or almost 8.4 million women) provided some form of care to children and care-dependent adults, according to Statistics Canada. Women were significantly more likely than men (42 per cent) to provide care and were more likely than men to report negative impacts from caregiving, Statscan said.
For working women, this adds pressure on two separate fronts, especially those who have the added demands of leadership roles.
But, especially in family enterprise, women’s traditional nurturing roles also “can translate to a role as ‘chief emotional officer,’ adding to the success and perpetuity of the family business,” according to a recent KPMG study, The power of women in family business. At the same time, “Women in family businesses are continuing to work on role conflicts to pave their own path in the business and the family and resist being designated only as the family caregiver.”
Here, we speak to a member of an enterprising family and a business leader in her own right, who shares her experience being a mother and caregiver, balanced with her other leadership roles.
Neelu Toor, Partner, Davies Ward Phillips & Vineberg LLP in Toronto, and director, Toor Family Foundation
Neelu Toor is a partner in the corporate practice at Davies Ward Phillips & Vineberg LLP, and part of the Toor family.
She is also a director in the Toor Family Foundation, which was built on the idea of “paying it forward” through the vision of Sukhdev Toor, the family patriarch who founded Toronto-based Manga Hotels in the 1980s and has since established himself as a leading hotelier in Canada.
Today the family’s foundation continues to be a leader in mental-health initiatives, and recently donated $1 million to mental health teaching hospital and research centre CAMH – The Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support young people.
Please tell our readers a little bit about your family background.
“The Toor Family Foundation was established by my father to promote philanthropic endeavours focused on health and wellness.
I am the eldest of four siblings in our original family of six, which has now expanded with partners and grandchildren. I have two young children myself who love our large family gatherings.
My role has always been one of ‘being the eldest’ and setting an example, being a role model and almost a third parent. Now, as an actual parent, I am surprised at my patience for my son and daughter, which I don’t always have in other aspects of my life.”
How has your role evolved in the family foundation?
“My role in the family foundation was initially one of general interest and a desire to use our collective philanthropic efforts to make substantive change and deploy resources to have a meaningful impact.
Now, in addition to this, my desire is also to build something long-lasting and that will inspire others.
My role has evolved as I have found myself to be more self-assured and confident with time. With experience and deepened knowledge, I am at ease with asserting myself and making sure I have an equal seat at the table, not just because I am part of the family, but because I have a substantive reason to be there and a material contribution to make.”
When you had children, did you feel any new pressures or fears?
“Of course, any new mother feels the significance of having to care for another person and reorient their identity to this fundamental new role.
There is a whole slew of new pressures exerted on mothers that are unique to women, who are the default primary caregiver. The internal and societal pressures to be the best possible caregiver carries immense weight that doesn’t exist for those who do not hold the traditional primary caregiver role. Mothers are still viewed as the main provider [of care] in a child’s life, and this has to be reconciled with other competing demands on a mother’s time, capacity and energy.
The role and perception of mothers has certainly changed over time. However, even though fathers and partners are more hands-on, domestic help is still available, and there are countless resources out there, the brunt of raising children and the “mental load” still falls on the default primary caregiver.
Ultimately, even with external help, mothers are the ones to take on the cognitive effort in managing a child’s life and this, in addition to pre-existing responsibilities to a career, puts on the pressure.”
Is it difficult for female leaders or working women to talk about the pressures of being a mother or caregiver?
“Women are reluctant to show any sign of potential weakness, particularly when it comes to motherhood and something that should be ‘natural.’
Acknowledging the complexity, challenges and demands of motherhood are often mistaken for complaining, ineptitude and ungratefulness. This makes it especially hard for us to speak about the pressures of being a mother.
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Talking about pressure is conflated with not being able to tolerate or perform under pressure. I do think with more and more women speaking up, it is less taboo to talk about being a mother and a career woman, but the ingrained expectations of society persist.”
Where have you found optimism and support in challenging times as a mother and businesswoman?
“My partner is tirelessly enthusiastic about my career and professional goals. He is my biggest champion and provides support in whatever way he can. Having the comfort that he is behind me and willing to step in so I can pursue my career objectives means I can focus on work.
Setting an example is also important; my two-year-old son will see me dressed up in business attire and he knows that means I’m going to the office or meeting with folks, and he’ll smile and say, ‘Mama is working.’”
Responses have been lightly edited for clarity or length.
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