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Avoiding estate-planning tussles – the fight over mom’s treasured peonies

Estate plans are designed to divvy up possessions, but they can also smooth longstanding disputes and inequalities in the family

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You might watch TV shows and think the fights over the smallest items in a will are created just for drama. But Debbie Stanley, CEO and senior estate administrator of ETP Canada, once had to mediate between three daughters who each wanted their mother’s peonies. Their mom had a will, but the flowers were not listed in her estate plan.

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“The peonies had been the grandmother’s and the great-grandmother’s,” says Stanley, who is based in Guelph, Ont. “We had to dig them up and divide them between the three daughters. If they had talked, maybe those issues would have been brought up at the time with mom versus spending $50,000 on legal fees.”

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Sure, your estate plan divvies up your possessions and assets. But it also can be used to smooth over family disputes, prevent new ones from happening or make up for long-time inequalities or other unfair circumstances.

Your kids are left sitting around wondering, ‘Wow, did dad not love me as much as my brother?’

Mallory McGrath, Viive Planning Ltd.

In fact, stopping fights before they begin is a good reason to have an estate plan. Think of it as the reference guide whenever you or your family face questions about your health, your assets and your estate before and after you die.

Families can be messy, and sometimes money equates to love, says Mallory McGrath, founder of Toronto-based Viive Planning Ltd. When you’re no longer around to explain the choices you made in your will and estate plan, “Your kids are left sitting around wondering, ‘Wow, did dad not love me as much as my brother?’ When it could have been done for a very simple, logical or financial reason, as opposed to an emotional one.”

Your estate plan can spell out the intentions for your life to the point of death and who will have the power of attorney over your property and health in case you become mentally incapacitated or die. It also ensures your assets – the cottage, trusts, the house and even grandma’s flowers – are handled as you intended.

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But you can also tailor your estate to provide help to specific beneficiaries, because dividing an estate fairly is not always the same as dividing it equally. For example, parents might choose to leave more money to one child rather than another because one child’s career path may not be as lucrative as the other’s. Or, in a blended family, a parent might choose to give more money to a biological child rather than a step-child, for whatever reason.

Difference between a will and an estate plan

While a will states where and to whom your assets will go, and lays out any guardianship rules for minority children, an estate plan offers, among other things, guidance on your healthcare preferences.

“It’s leading up to providing a good death,” Stanley says. “[An estate plan] answers questions like, ‘Do I want to be in a nursing home with a window? Do I want to be outside? Do I want a dog with me?’” An estate plan prevents arguments between your children because, if they have a question, they can refer to the plan.

Talking it out

Of course, all of this requires a lot of communication. But how much input should your beneficiaries have on your estate plan?

Elke Rubach, president of Toronto-based Rubach Wealth, says it depends on the maturity of the beneficiary and whether he or she can manage the conversation.

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One common mistake people make with their estate plan is that they assume they know which possessions their beneficiaries might want. “By talking about it, you can see if they value it, or if that thing is going to be better off in the hands of another sibling or family member,” Rubach says.

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All the experts agree that the conversation should be ongoing. Rubach says families should talk about an estate plan regularly, comparing it to getting a yearly physical.

Normalizing conversations about money and assets makes it easier to create an estate plan. It doesn’t mean you have to adhere to your family’s wishes, but communication means everyone ideally understands your thought process and won’t be surprised at the end.

It doesn’t have to be a formal occasion. McGrath says bringing it up casually is a good way to start. “From there, you can get into more specifics over time,” she says. “I think it’s really important that people realize that no matter how uncomfortable you think your kids are going to feel, there will be more discomfort and more burden if the conversation doesn’t actually happen.”

Paintings, cottages and flowers

It’s the small things that cause the biggest fights, Stanley says, so the question of how granular your estate plan should be depends on your family. While some may not care about the plants in your yard, they may really care about your collection of vintage teacups and are willing to throw down over them.

That’s why having regular conversations helps. The more you talk with your family, Rubach says, the better your understanding will be of what’s important to your beneficiaries.

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Will all fights be mitigated?

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The short answer is no, but communication and transparency will reduce family strife because almost everything has been discussed, acknowledged and documented.

“Plans are great to have, but that doesn’t mean that it will solve all your problems,” says McGrath. “But you’re at least a good many steps ahead of your peers. If you have one in place, you are obviously less likely to see your estate torn apart by fighting.”

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