First instinct after becoming wealthy: Hide it from friends

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Jennifer Risher was in her late twenties when she and her husband, David, came into sudden money. As employees of Microsoft, they had earned millions through stock options, and then in 1997 David joined a pre-IPO Amazon.com Inc. as a senior executive.

Having come from a middle-class upbringing, the couple faced challenges in navigating the emotional complexities of sudden wealth. In her book We Need to Talk: A Memoir About Wealth, Jennifer chronicles her experiences on the way to becoming an educated and empowered investor and philanthropist who is also making an impact through #HalfMyDAF, a charitable giving initiative she established with her husband. She is also an in-demand speaker committed to fostering meaningful conversations about money.

Jennifer was an engaging guest on my podcast Serious Coin, and in the interview below, we explore her initial feelings of embarrassment about wealth, the impact on her friendships and her advice for others who are new to wealth.

Kelly Willis Green: Was there a moment when you realized that you had a lot of money?

Jennifer Risher: Yes and no. Because there’s the mental realization – the intellectual view of a bunch of numbers and imagining what that means – and then there’s actually believing it. That takes a lot longer. Even then, it was hard to really realize it. But my discomfort started to come out in me as I was trying to hide from our wealth.

Tell me about a time when you tried to hide the fact you had money.

I really felt it when there was this juxtaposition between two massive events in my life. First, having this money accumulating and getting bigger than I would have imagined, and also becoming a parent.

Right before I had my first daughter, David left Microsoft and joined Amazon, and then that company went public, right as I was giving birth, basically (laughs). There was a difference in the feeling of those two events. It was kind of profound because with becoming a mom, I was blown away by all the love and the emotion. I was also a member of a mothers’ group, and all of us were experiencing the same kind of ups and downs. I’d meet with this group, but I was also trying to hide something big that was going on in my life.

When it came to our wealth, I didn’t want anyone to know about it. I was really worried about the judgment that people would place on me if they knew. So, I did everything I could to keep it hidden.

Another piece that was going through my head was my own identity. Did I live up to my own expectation of what I “should be” if I have this money? I felt like I’m just the same person. Nothing’s changed about me, except for the fact that I’m a mom.

I was so worried about people hating me for my money, but I didn’t really give them a chance to show up or not show up. So, maybe I missed out on potential connections that were there for me. Now I’m a believer in sharing the truth … it can be really exhausting trying to hide something big in your life. And I really believe it’s important for all of us to show up for all of who we are. Like the good, the bad, the ugly …

Speaking of connections, did you have any friendships that didn’t survive because of the wealth gap, or because you withheld yourself?

A lot of my friends don’t share my good fortune in the same way. One of my very best friends is from that mothers group, and we have maintained a really close and meaningful friendship. At the same time, there are things that I can’t talk to her about. I have tried and it has not worked. There are things that rub her the wrong way. And that’s the way it is. I can’t think of any friendships that have not survived the money, but there are some gaps that can come up.

People don’t truly recognize that money doesn’t make you happy – and that, in fact, it can keep you from what does make you happy, which is real connections. That’s why the friendship piece is so important. If there’s distance there, it’s a detraction. It’s too bad that that distance so often happens.

You have moved from someone who was uncomfortable with wealth to feeling empowered to use it to drive social change. Tell me about how you’re doing that.

Thank you for that question, because I feel really good about that. To get there has required looking at my relationship with myself and my relationship with money and what that means. It took writing a book for me.

Then, once I was out in the world talking about my story and my experience, I really looked at our money and was like, “What am I doing?” Money holds a lot of power – and there is a responsibility here. What do I want to do with this amazing tool? And how do I want to use it to create the change in the world that I want to see? I landed on equity – economic, racial and gender equity. Working toward that equity is kind of my North Star. How can I use my money to create more equity in our world?

I can invest in ways that shift money and power. And when I learned that women get 2 per cent of venture capital dollars … I’ve really focused on investing with women, and with women of colour in particular, for both financial return and social return. I’ve invested with five different women of colour who are first-time fund managers, which is very exciting.

I’ve done a couple of angel investments. I’m a big advocate of getting more women to invest and have joined a couple of circles that make it very accessible for women to invest.

Then, with my philanthropy, the biggest thing I’ve done recently started during Covid. It was shocking to recognize that there were billions and billions of dollars sitting in donor advised funds (DAFs) across the country at a time of such need and uncertainty. People weren’t moving money through to nonprofits. A lot of great nonprofits were doing incredible things and needed work but were starving for funding.

So, in creating #HalfMyDAF, our goal is to inspire others to do more charitable giving. My husband and I have been working on this challenge for the last four years and we’ve moved over $50 million through #HalfMyDAF. It’s kind of taken off. It’s known in the philanthropic world now. So, we’re getting money to where it’s needed.

What advice do you have for someone who’s had a liquidity event, about how to steward themselves and the money?

I first want to acknowledge that it is a very strange experience because it’s something that the world believes is nothing but positive. Coming into wealth is “the fantasy.” And yet, in reality, I’m still the same person. I’m still imperfect. I still make mistakes. I’m just still this human being bumbling along. So, I want to acknowledge the emotional impact, the challenge and the complexity of wealth.

If I can validate the feelings that are coming up, that’s already a gift. It’s a sense of relief to know the mixed feelings, stress and anxiety are okay, that it’s strange, and that our feelings are normal and natural. I’d recommend talking through those feelings; find someone to share with. Hopefully you have a partner that’s going through the experience with you, or there’s some friend you can talk to.

Also, don’t rush into anything. There’s nothing you need to do. Take your time. Getting comfortable will take time.

Kelly Willis Green is an independent marketing advisor to organizations seeking to better understand, reach and satisfy the unique needs of high-net-worth individuals. She is the creator and host of Serious Coin, a podcast that explores the financial, emotional and lifestyle benefits and challenges of coming into wealth.

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