“What is the most common money pattern or behaviour among ultra-high-net-worth individuals?”
Whenever I describe my work as a wealth coach for affluent people, that is almost always the first question I’m asked. My answer tends to surprise people. It isn’t entitlement. It isn’t extravagant living or reckless spending.
In fact, the most frequent money pattern I see in my practice is a genuine pervasive anxiousness—specifically, a feeling of tightness that is at odds with the balance sheet.
It shows up in different ways. It might be extreme frugality in the presence of extraordinary affluence. Or persistent self-denial of comforts that are easily affordable. Or economizing in curious ways, like the third-generation heir who allows me to share that her family regularly reused dental floss!
For some, the act of spending money triggers physical tension. One client describes this as “my death grip on money.”
To an outside observer, these behaviours may seem irrational. In fact, most clients will say they know they aren’t being rational, which can add layers of self-judgment and shame.
Financial advisors may also recognize this pattern in the client who:
- Simply cannot be persuaded to spend.
- Exerts hyper-control over financial decisions.
- Has an exaggerated fixation on preserving or expanding wealth.
- Is impatient and critical with underperformance or perceived inefficiency.
Understandably, the natural response for a wealth advisor is to lean into logic, producing sophisticated financial plans that prove plenitude. And, of course, offering well-meaning assurances, such as “You have more than enough” and “You deserve to enjoy what you’ve worked so hard for” or “You might as well spend it, or your kids will.”
But the issue isn’t a lack of information or a failure of persuasion. It has more to do with a person’s inner world and the deeply embedded thoughts and beliefs that drive behaviour. It is also not about greed, nor a lack of generosity. It is rarely about actual financial security.
Why extreme frugality?
At its core, this pattern is a scarcity script dressed in expensive clothing. And to move the needle, we have to look past the spreadsheets and into the why.
When we begin to explore the unconscious beliefs behind these patterns, they become wholly sensible. Our relationship with money is shaped early, often unconsciously, through family systems, modeled behaviour and emotional life experiences. These internal scripts become the blueprint for how we think, feel and act around money as adults—long after financial circumstances have changed.
The drivers of money anxiousness are also often generational, what I call “emotional hand-me-downs” that most people aren’t even aware they’re wearing.
Every family has an underlying dynamic or “energy” around money, whether it be restraint, ease, vigilance, rejection or detachment, and so on. Interestingly, the pattern is typically unrelated to the amount of money; the feeling of scarcity can exist at both ends of the wealth spectrum.
An individual from a low-income background where resources were scarce or inconsistent may associate money with insecurity, instability and lack of control. In middle-class or affluent homes, restraint, portioning and self-control may be embedded in the family system. Both backgrounds can produce adults who are financially successful yet internally vigilant—skilled at accumulation, uneasy with ease. That’s because their early and underlying beliefs still dominate: Don’t waste, don’t take more than your share, and don’t assume abundance is permanent.
In some upbringings (including my own), frugality served as an identity marker—a way of proving discipline, grounding, morality even—rather than a response to actual constraint. By driving an old car or clipping coupons, families are telling the world, and themselves, that they still have their feet on the ground. They haven’t been defined or “ruined” by their bank account.
At its core, this pattern is a scarcity script dressed in expensive clothing.
These beliefs become part of family lore, and abiding by them contributes to a person’s sense of belonging within the family:
- “In my family, good people didn’t spend.”
- “Enjoying wealth is flashy, and we’re not flashy people.”
- “I don’t want to be that kind of rich person.”
Here’s the thing to know: Even when wealth increases dramatically, those internal rules frequently remain intact. They manifest as anxiousness, tightness or unease with spending money.
From the client’s inner perspective, the question is not “Can I afford this?” or even “Would I enjoy this?” Below conscious awareness, the real question is often “What does this spending say about who I am?”
Does it signal carelessness or irresponsibility? A loss of discipline? Weakness? Moral laxity?
Is it a departure from my family identity—and, therefore, my sense of belonging? Or a departure from my own identity? “I’m good at making money. I’m just not very good at spending it.”
Many high achievers built their success through self-discipline and sheer force of will. So even the idea of spending—of loosening the grip—can feel risky and dangerous.
Below conscious awareness, the real question is often ‘What does this spending say about who I am?’
If wealth creation and self-esteem are closely intertwined, spending money can feel like erosion, not just of net worth, but of self-worth. It may only be a vague discomfort they can’t quite articulate, but the underlying fear is, “If I spend, will I be diminished?”
A few tips for advisors
How can private wealth advisors work constructively with excessively frugal or financially controlling UHNW clients?
1. Shift from persuasion to curiosity.
When attempting to persuade with numbers and data fails to loosen a client’s grip on money, it may be useful to suggest there is something worth exploring beneath the surface. Gentle questions can open the door:
- What feels uncomfortable about spending money more freely?
- What does being careful with money mean to you?
- What are your rules around spending? What is permissible or discouraged?
- What are you proud of in how you or your family handle money?
Curiosity, rather than correction, may unlock some of these unconscious beliefs that are still driving behaviour.
2. Normalize generational patterns.
When clients realize that restraint could be something they inherited, and not a personal failing, they may have more compassion for themselves.
Help them honour frugality as a strength that contributed to the building of the fortune, even as its role evolves. The goal isn’t to dismantle the pattern but rather to expand the client’s options: to decide when frugality still serves them, and when it is appropriate to loosen its grip.
3. Encourage intentional experiments, not wholesale change.
Suggest small but significant steps rather than dramatic changes that may feel overwhelming or challenge their identity. I often encourage clients to conduct a low-risk “experiment,” such as a modest increase in generosity or spending. You might suggest your client choose one discretionary expense over the next month, such as a short trip, an upgraded flight or an “extravagant” personal service. They should approach it with an observational mindset.
The “assignment” is not simply to spend, but to assess—to pay attention, during the experience, to physical sensations and emotional responses. Afterward, they should reflect: What actually happened? Did I feel unworthy/diminished/uneasy? Did anything bad happen? Did I enjoy myself more or less than anticipated? What do I notice from this experiment?
Over time, these experiments may help clients replace automatic restraint with choice, and discover that spending intentionally can coexist with discipline, control and self-respect.
4. Bring in complementary expertise.
At the risk of shameless self-promotion, I do need to say that for some individuals, working with a wealth coach, advisor or facilitator who understands the psychological and relational dimensions of money can unlock progress beyond the scope of a financial advisor’s mandate. However, I will also say that each individual must be ready and willing to commit to their own inner work around money—their readiness for which no financial advisor can be expected to know or take responsibility for.
When financial advisors recognize that excessive frugality is rarely about financial security itself, and more often about identity, belonging and control, they can stop trying to persuade clients to spend, and instead help them feel secure enough to choose.
Kelly Willis Green is a wealth coach, speaker and podcaster whose mission is to help high-net-worth individuals develop clarity, purpose and peace in their relationship with their wealth. She is the creator and host of the Serious Coin podcast, which explores the financial, emotional and lifestyle benefits and challenges of wealth. www.kellywillisgreen.com
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